Forgiveness: You can be the judge, jury, and executioner
I could provide you with a dictionary definition of forgiveness. But I won’t. You see, forgiveness is one of those things that we look at as being a black or white subject, where a person is either right or wrong. When it comes to forgiveness there’s really no in between, right? I say we need to rethink that, because it’s not as black and white as we’ve been taught. Forgiveness is letting go of resentment, anger, and hostility toward someone who treated you unfairly, even though you’re justified in having these feelings.
We’ve been taught to think of forgiveness as something we give to the other person - but - it’s not. It’s really about you. You’re the one who thinks about the transgression. The other person has moved on with their life and isn’t thinking about how they hurt you or that they need to apologize. They might not even believe they’ve caused you any harm. Or how about this…the person just disagreed with you and left it at that! Now what?
Can you recall an experience in your life when someone did you wrong? A friend? Family member? Boss? Possibly the person at the restaurant. The person got your order wrong and you sent it back. Not only did you send it back, but you asked to speak to the manager on duty! We’ve all had those moments when we felt wronged. We judge the person who hurt us, and feel justified in judging them. Furthermore, we convict them without any thought of forgiving them. You judged the wrongdoing and you came up with your sentencing.
What about when a person passed you in a store to get by and didn’t say excuse me. You chalk it up to them being a jerk, shake your head in disbelief, and keep it moving. At least, I hope you do. What if it came down to you forgiving your childhood molester? Would you forgive that person? Years go by and you continue to hold malice in your heart. You decide that you’re hurting the other person by not talking to them, keeping your distance and remaining unrelenting in your convictions. You hope that they’ll just burn in hell without any redemption of getting out of there!
Meanwhile, you’re experiencing GI issues because you just can’t stomach the person or what they’ve done to you. You have back issues because you feel so unsupported. These are the physical aspects of unforgiveness and ways it can show up in the body. Here’s the thing though - Forgiveness is an important part of emotional health and physical wellbeing. So, if you've been holding onto grudges, now is the time to begin working on forgiveness in order to reap the many physical and psychological benefits. Forgiveness is a personal journey. It’s not always easy; but, it’s possible.
If you’ve ever heard Marianne Williamson saying ‘Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die,’ then you know the only person you’re responsible for is you. We can’t control other people. Don’t you think it’s time to start considering the role that you’re playing in this? You’re responsible for the way you’re thinking about things and you’re the only person who can take responsibility for your healing. There’s no time like the present for you to consider forgiveness.
Forgiveness is about being able to love yourself enough to say, ‘I don’t have to agree with what they’ve done. However, I forgive them for not being able to see that they wronged me. I forgive them because I don’t want to cause myself any more health issues related to this unforgiveness. I don’t have to accept the person in my life, but I do deserve to have peace of mind, restored mental health and a healthy body. I choose to move forward with my life with a new sense of vim and vigor. I surrender the weight of this unforgiveness and welcome a lighter and freer version of myself.’
Forgiveness is actually an opportunity to amend a relationship if you choose to. When my mother was diagnosed with liver cancer, I knew time was of the essence. It was four weeks from the time of diagnosis until her death. I remember before it got close to the end, there was a brief conversation about forgiveness. There was no need to rehash conversations that had been difficult for us. At that moment, it wouldn’t serve either one of us well. I was hopeful that a moment of forgiveness might be healing for both of us. The conversation we had prior to her passing was succinct and poignant. You see, life truly is short and we don’t always get a second chance to make things right again. So, in that moment, the words flowed from my heart and it went like this,
‘Mom, I want you to know that if there were times as a daughter that I fell short, I’m sorry and please forgive me. I also want you to know that as my mom, for those times that you fell short, I forgive you.’
She nodded in acknowledgement and we shared an endearing hug. That was that. I’m grateful I had that heartfelt moment because I would never have another moment like that again.
We’re all human beings and there are times we’re aware of what we do wrong and times when other people make us cognizant of the misgiving. We can control how we will respond and choose to do the next right thing for ourselves. Remember- forgiveness is about us and our relationship with ourselves. Thinking about forgiveness in this way requires a mental shift in our thinking. It’s a change of heart that develops over time. Ultimately, forgiveness is a process that requires time, patience, and compassion.
Forgiveness is a process that you can start at any time for a living or deceased person. For a living person, it could be directly to the person, in prayer, in a letter or whatever creative expressions you can come up with. For a deceased person, it could be through talking to an empty chair as you sit across from that empty chair forgiving them. It could be through writing a letter and then discarding it in a way that you choose. No matter what, forgiveness is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself.
No one can force you into forgiving. It is important to recognize that forgiveness is not a one-size-fits-all approach. When we forgive someone, we are essentially letting go of the anger, resentment, and bitterness that we may be feeling towards them. This can free us up to move on with our lives and to focus on more positive things. Just remember the benefits outweigh the ongoing unforgiveness.
Forgiveness is an opportunity to heal from trauma, anxiety, and depression. Forgiveness plays an important role in promoting mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. If you are struggling to forgive someone, there are a few things that you can do to help yourself. First, it is important to understand that forgiveness is a process. It takes time and effort to truly forgive someone. Second, it can be helpful to talk to someone about what you are going through. This could be a friend, family member, therapist, or religious clergy. Third, you can pivot in the direction that will free you from harboring emotions that can manifest in your body. Afterall at the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got. Treat yourself well.
